Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of December 7–13, 2018

By Dan Rattiner

5 minute 12/10/2018

Hampton Subway's new Oval Office themed, luxury subway car — New Oval Office themed subway car, Photo: Pavel Lipskiy, amadeustx/123RF

Week of December 7–13, 2018
Riders this past week: 23,812
Rider miles this past week: 71,444

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Madonna was seen in horseback riding gear traveling from Bridgehampton to Sag Harbor Saturday morning. She was carrying a whip. Howard Stern was spotted riding from Shinnecock to Monument Square in Southampton on Thursday afternoon talking to himself and using the worst curse words, according to our spotter. Jerry Seinfeld was seen on Hamptons Subway traveling from Amagansett to East Hampton drinking a cup of coffee while reading a book about old sports cars.

DOUBLE DECKER SUBWAY CARS
Three years ago, Hamptons Subway, taking a cue from the Long Island Rail Road, ordered six new double-decker subway cars to make up a special extra train during rush hour. The cars arrived last week from Canada where they were manufactured, and on Wednesday night after the system was closed at 2 a.m., they were sent out as a test to see how they would do going from Montauk to Westhampton and back.

Unfortunately, they only got a few hundred yards to where the tracks dive down into the tunnel to get through Hither Hills, when they had to turn back. They are too tall for the tunnels. Six feet too tall. We did order them that way and so we have to take responsibility for them. They will be sent back to Canada to be refitted as just the bottom deck, with seven additional cars featuring the top deck made lower. So all is not lost.

The tunnel heights should have been measured properly before we ordered the double-deckers. But that job was done by an employee from Belgium who, by mistake, used a metric yardstick. He is now back in Belgium.

NOTICE
Employees and their friends who have been using the second floor cafeteria at the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays every Wednesday night for card games after the cafeteria closes will have to stop. We initially allowed this to go on as a sort of we’re-not-looking perk for the staff to make up for the low salaries we pay, but now we will no longer tolerate it. Food has been eaten. Gambling has been taking place. Alcohol has been served and fistfights have broken out. An employee jumped out of a cake in his/her bathing suit. You know who you are. We won’t even mention the drugs. Or the rock and roll.

LUXURY CAR
The eight new luxury cars that we took delivery of last month are now the lead cars on all trains, they’re a big hit with riders. One is decked out as a Buddhist Japanese tea garden ceremony. Another has a 3D movie experience that surrounds you. A third is a replica of the Oval Office at the White House and a fourth is a miniature reproduction of the main lounge aboard the Queen Mary. The other four change every week, so it’s a surprise.

All eight cars have special turnstiles that drop down when the sliding doors open. To board, just swipe your special green laser Subway Card. You will be charged an additional $5,000 above and beyond the $2.75 per ride you spent going through the regular turnstiles at the back of the platform. These cars will never bore you. As we say, it’s not how fast you get there, but what you experience along the way. Isn’t that what they say about life?

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
During this holiday season, try to be especially nice to your fellow passengers. I know that most of you are already nice. So just be more nice. The holiday season ends on January 2.