Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Don’t Want Legal Weed in This Jurisdiction

A hippie invasion may be on its way.

The Hamptons Police are joining forces with elected officials to push for opting out of the expected statewide legalization of recreational marijuana within their jurisdiction. The police warn that allowing the sale of recreational marijuana locally will invite an unruly criminal element into this peaceful area.

“Up until now, we’ve had very few problems with hippies in the Hamptons,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch says. “People here don’t know how lucky they’ve been not to have to contend with these long-haired, lawless freaks.” Hirsch notes that the Hamptons’ reputation as a “pot free” zone has meant that hippies don’t bother to come here. “Look, they know they can’t get their wacky weed out here—it’s nowhere to be found. So they inflict themselves on the poor folks up-island, where it’s long been a marijuana free-for-all.”

The HPD spokesman cites years of data that indicates an utter absence of marijuana use on the East End. “This is wine country,” Hirsch says. “We get a lot of drinkers, sure. But in my 25 years of policing, we’ve never arrested anyone for pot in the Hamptons. Never. It’s just not a thing.”

Hirsch explains that the upscale nature of this area, with its expansive estates and expensive shops and boutiques, is not attractive to pot smokers. “I mean, your typical hophead is more into the back alley, warming-their-hands-over-a-fire-in-an-oil-barrel kind of scene,” says Hirsch. “Their drug-addled brains can’t handle the intricacies of social etiquette required in a place like this. It blows their diseased minds.” Hirsch contends that this factor, combined with the well-documented absence of marijuana to buy, has kept the Hamptons safe from hippies.

“Of course, this only adds to our concerns over legalization,” he says. “Imagine the horror our locals will experience when hordes of unwashed hippies begin streaming across the canal, loaded with legal pot! They’ve never seen anything like it out here.”

The Hamptons Police, leaving nothing to chance, have begun trying to prepare communities for the onslaught. “We know that our efforts to opt out of legalization might prove futile,” says Hirsch. “That’s why we’ve started a program to try to prepare our residents for what to expect when crazy-eyed, wigged-out reefer smokers start turning up on the Main Streets of their villages. We know it’s not going to be pretty—if, God forbid, it happens. But at least we can try to get out ahead of it.”

Hirsch announced a public session, titled, How to Handle a Pot-Crazed Hippie, which will take place at the Hamptons Police Napeague Station next Tuesday evening. This is the first in a planned series of sessions planned to prepare residents for potential legalization.

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