The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of April 5–11, 2019

Mating beavers have slowed trains between Bridgehampton and Water Mill. It's springtime.

Week of April 5–11, 2019
Riders this past week: 42,343
Rider miles this past week: 116,512

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Our team of six spotters who ride the subway every day looking for celebrities and movie stars for the newsletter did not see a single one. This was most unusual. They reported that Henry Hildreth from the department store went from Southampton to Shinnecock. But he’s not a movie star. What is going on? This week we are going to send a seventh spotter out to watch the other six to make sure they do their job.

DRONES
As you may have heard, our entire Hamptons Subway police department has gone on strike. While they are out, 22 small drones are now either hovering over all the platforms or riding in the cars. They are equipped with blue lasers and taser darts to keep order, so for the duration of however long this takes, be mindful of them and just be good passengers. Thank you.

TURNSTILE JUMPING CONTEST
In our continuing effort to focus on the kids using Hamptons Subway, we are offering a new contest for them next Thursday. (Last Thursday you may recall, we had an escalator skateboarding competition.) The new contest will be Turnstile Jumping and it will be open all afternoon to ages 10 to 18 on the Southampton platform. Those under 10 will be permitted to enter if they can show the judges a successful practice jump. Thursday is Kid Day on Hamptons Subway. Cowabunga.

BEAVER MATING
All trains now slow down after sunset as they pass through the tunnel in either direction between Water Mill and Bridgehampton. A beaver couple is mating in there. It’s spring. The motormen will throttle back and turn the lights in the subway off as he approaches the beavers. They will stay off until the subway is more than 30 yards past the beavers. Then they go back on. Keep your cellphones on silent and do not take pictures. They like it dark. Thus we celebrate the wonders of nature. And no looking. Look down at your feet while we pass.

HIGH DRAMA
Yesterday, a problem arose on train number 22 as it passed Shinnecock going west. The recorded command “watch out for the closing doors” kept repeating at high volume over and over. This was a little inconvenience to some people, but we thought since most riders are not on the subway for more than fifteen minutes at a time, we should keep the train going until it got to Montauk where it could be taken out of service and repaired in the subway yards there.

Unfortunately, the engine failed on that train and it came to a halt along that long lonely stretch between Amagansett and Napeague. Thus the passengers had to continue to suffer listening to “watch out for the closing doors” over and over for the next two hours. Ambulances finally arrived and paramedics went down to the stuck train, pried open the doors and began attending to the stricken passengers. All 172 on board were taken out by stretcher and put in ambulances for the 45-minute drive to Southampton Hospital. All suffered from post traumatic stress disorder and their names will be released later today after next of kin are notified.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
President Trump and I traveled to Russia last week to review the Moscow subway system with Vladimir Putin. It’s built in the late Victorian style with felt-covered seats, elaborate gold trim and crystal chandeliers. Donald and I agreed this would never play in America, but we raised our vodka glasses and toasted our host anyway.

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