The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 14–20, 2019

Sorry, the free coffee we gave out was part of an NYU science experiment.

Week of March 14–20, 2019
Riders this past week: 38,813
Rider miles this past week: 98,723

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Lovebirds Harry Macklowe and his new bride were seen canoodling Sunday morning on the subway heading east from Bridgehampton toward East Hampton. Gwyneth Paltrow was seen going from car to car on the subway between Southampton and Shinnecock handing out samples from goop. Walter Isaacson, with a case of champagne on his lap, was sitting on the subway going eastbound from Noyac to Sag Harbor.

COFFEE
As we reported last week, a new coffee company was found handing out free cups of the hot brew on our Southampton platform last Thursday without our permission. Although we put a stop to it, we’ve now learned that the giveaway was part of a study done by scientists at New York University’s cognitive department determining the effects of caffeine on subway car loading. The results are out and reveal that subways load up 24% faster when coffee is involved. But it does make a mess.

MOTORMEN’S ANNUAL HOLIDAY
Two Fridays from now is the day when all the subway drivers—the motormen—have their annual party and retreat at Gurney’s Montauk Resort & Seawater Spa. Volunteer to be a motorman that day by stopping into Hamptons Subway headquarters in Hampton Bays for an interview. Lots of kids volunteer for this, but you have to be over four feet five inches to be able to see out the window of the motormen’s lead car. We’ll be measuring you up. Must be available that day for either the 6 a.m. to 4 p.m. shift or the 4 p.m. to 2 a.m. shift. You’ll be standing the whole time.

PROMOTION GONE WRONG
Our new marketing director, Amos Finch, held a one-day promotion last Friday where anyone with a special coupon could buy a $40 subway swipe card at the Southampton token booth for just one $20 bill. Unknown to Finch, the Subway police had that token booth under surveillance, hoping to catch a group of counterfeiters who were passing bogus $20s there. When the coupon people lined up with their $20s out, the police pounced. It didn’t end well.

WAINSCOTT STATION TO BE EXTENDED
Subway officials voted last Thursday to extend the Wainscott Station by 30 feet. That station was built in 1965 when Wainscott “came of age,” but due to an error in the building plans, it was found that the platform length could only accommodate six cars at a time instead of the necessary seven. Though most people are familiar with the “double stop” at Wainscott where the train stops once to unload then pulls up 30 feet to stop again, we still get complaints about it from those not in the know. The cost of jackhammering out the insides of the tunnel on the eastern end of the platform will be great but we think it will be worth it in the end. The project is expected to be completed by 2021. In the meantime, use the western side of the existing platform for boarding the trains, which will now do a “triple stop” to accommodate the additional cars that won’t fit on the reduced sized platform during the construction.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Next week, at the request of President Trump, I am off to Pyongyang, North Korea to advise the authorities there about the joys of having a subway system there in the capital city. Mr. Trump has already given me a pencil sketch on an existing map he made showing the route he thinks would be best for it, though the decision in the end, of course, will be made by his friend, the Great Leader.

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