The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of July 25–31, 2019

Riders are complaining about how the subway turns around Trout Pond.

Week of July 25–31, 2019
Riders this past week: 53,822
Rider miles this past week: 153,710

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Leif Hope, the Chairman of the Artist-Writers Game and coach of the Artists for the past 40 years, was seen traveling from East Hampton to Amagansett headed for Kahn’s Sporting Goods. Richard Burns, Chairman of Dan’s Hamptons Media, was seen riding to Montauk from Amagansett carrying gift bags in anticipation of the big Dan’s 60 Summers event at Gurney’s Star Island Resort & Marina—where a new subway stop is being planned—on Friday, August 2. Sarah Jessica Parker was seen riding from Sag Harbor to Bridgehampton carrying several bags of Harbor Market groceries.

THAT HEAT WAVE
Before he left on his vacation to Bimini last Friday, Commissioner Aspinall ordered all the air conditioners throughout the subway system turned on “full force” for the duration of last weekend’s heat wave. Following these orders to the letter, temperatures on Saturday morning, when it went up to a “feels like” 104 degrees above ground, the subway system was an icy -12 degrees fahrenheit. Contrary to what manager Perry Blister had hoped, many people passed out on the platforms due to the shock and had to be hospitalized at Southampton Hospital. Blister expressed sympathy and said their $2.75 subway turnstile swipe would be given to all those still hospitalized on Monday. In cash.

MOVIE SCRIPTS
Actor Bob Balaban was seen reading a script and mumbling while traveling between Quogue and Quiogue on Tuesday morning. When asked what he was reading by our celebrity spotter, he looked at her blankly. Oddly, at the same time, another spotter saw actor Kim Cattrall doing the same thing while traveling from Quiogue and Quogue. Perhaps they passed one another halfway that morning.

ELECTION COMING
Returning from his vacation on Tuesday after the heatwave, the Commissioner made his first campaign speech—his annual election is held every August 23—and referred to his perennial opponent, Giuseppe Contisorro, the Hamptons Subway staff barber, as a “spaghetti eater.” This is the first time he has attacked Contisorro that way. People are shocked.

SELFIES
Our new marketing director, Karen Mackelwhale, is introducing an exciting new interactive feature for our riders. Beginning Monday, riders who wish to participate can magic-marker their first and last names onto cardboard and hold the cardboard up across their chests facing the surveillance cameras on every subway car. Smile and wave. Our eager summer interns will review the surveillance tapes and where they see the cardboard, the smile and the wave, they will freeze the surveillance tape, determine an attractive moment to pluck, and then post the result on that person’s Facebook page. And it’s absolutely free.

THE CURVE AT TROUT POND
People often complain they get knocked about while standing in the subway cars when the subway curves around Trout Pond in Noyac. We have looked into this thoroughly over the years. There’s nothing we can do. The pond curves and juts out into the right of way there. Though we are underground we are flush up against the pond down there and can do nothing else about it. Just get used to it. Or find a seat if you can.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I was not actually “on vacation” in Bimini last week. I was down there at the invitation of the Governor-General of that island to advise him on the possibility of having a subway system. Although the island is less than a mile in diameter, I did give him a verbal report of my recommendation, which was that it was a good thought but not for that island. So it was work for which I get overtime.

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