A Letter From Santa


Spoiler alert — if you still believe sitting in a man’s lap whispering in his ear your deepest desires will actually get you what you want for Christmas, stop reading here.

There is actually an address in Anchorage, Alaska for the North Pole Postmaster. You can send your child’s letter to Santa, and, with first-class postage included, get a letter from Santa back. Luckily, there is not an age limit on this endeavor, and here is what Santa had to say about my well-thought out and grammatically correct Christmas wish list.

Dear Heather,

I love your column! Except maybe when you make sitting in my lap sound kinda creepy. Santa, I assure you, is very aware of #MeToo. Mrs. Claus also is a big fan, and thought tying the lamb with mint dental floss when you run out of string a very helpful hint, and wants in on your fantasy female retirement community.

As to your Christmas wish list, George Clooney, as you know, is happily married to an intelligent and beautiful barrister who fights for human rights and rocks a jumpsuit like no one’s business, so just put that back on the “Dream On” list next to teaching dolphins French. But know that love does work in mysterious ways, and Santa’s elves keep an eye on all the dating apps and although they can sometimes have a twisted sense of humor, their little hearts are usually in the right place. And as for snow, sorry. Climate change, you know? Can’t really guarantee a white Christmas anymore. Maybe make some mud angels? But not in your best coat.

I also thank you for your concern about world peace. I would have to refer you to my notes on world leaders, otherwise known as the “Naughty List,” which is currently being subpoenaed by Congress for a closed-door session.

However, I would encourage you, on the micro level, to continue to act in your own corner of the world with grace and compassion, intelligence, understanding, and small acts of kindness. I know people are battling over politics, but what matters most is your own moral center. Never lose track of that compass. If I had reindeer fighting over red or blue noses, we’d have a hot mess crash before we got past Greenland, which, by the way, is another gift which will never end up under a certain someone’s tree.

I know you want Phoebe Waller-Bridge to be your spirit animal, but she already has a waiting list a mile long. And yes, I am encouraging her to do a third season of “Fleabag.”

Know that sometimes I do not give you what you want because it is in your best interest. See how that turkey deep fryer and home perm worked out. To be clear, your stocking will not contain a gift certificate for belly fat freezing, sheep placenta extract, or a face hammock. I will consider the juicer, but only if you don’t use it mainly for piña coladas.

And the sloth symbolic adoption? Santa isn’t great with sarcasm so not sure if that’s a thing or not.

That brings us to the Jo Malone rose scented candle. Yes! No problem.



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