Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of December 12–18, 2019

By Dan Rattiner

5 minute 12/16/2019

Hamptons Subway interviewed for 14 platform Santas this week — Count the subway Santas! Photo: tetmc, littleny/iStock/moodboard/Thinkstock

Week of December 12–18, 2019
Riders this past week: 41,523
Rider miles this past week: 102,412

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Neil Patrick Harris was seen riding the Hamptons Subway between Amagansett and East Hampton on Friday evening, carrying gift-wrapped presents. Jack Brinkley Cook, founder of the new Rove car service in the Hamptons was nevertheless seen riding on the Hamptons Subway between Bridgehampton and Water Mill on Monday. Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez were seen holding hands on a subway train headed for Sag Harbor from Noyac on Thursday.

COUNT THE SANTAS
Jack Purse, our new Marketing Director (recently plucked from his tough former job as marketing director of Wells Fargo Bank), has devised a contest for our young travelers. On Sunday, December 15, all tots under the age of 8 are welcome to go through the turnstiles—swiping their subway cards, of course—and board all trains coming through everywhere with Santa Clauses on them. The one who correctly counts all the Santa Clauses on all the trains and platforms will be allowed to steer the train on Christmas Day from noon to 3 p.m. next to a motorman dressed as Santa Claus. If more than one gets the correct answer, all who do will be crammed into the motorman’s booth to take at least a few seconds with the steering wheel. Deposit your kid’s name and address with his total Santa count into any suggestion box on our platforms.

GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM, GIUSEPPI
As everybody knows, Commissioner Aspinall, who runs for re-election every year, has always been opposed by candidate Giuseppi Montefiori, who is the company barber in the Hamptons Subway headquarters building on Ponquogue Road in Hampton Bays. Montefiori only gets one vote when it’s all counted—his vote—but he persists in trying every year. The Commissioner says this has to stop. He has begun impeachment hearings against Montefiori, since Montefiori uses various chemical-based hair tonics in his shop without regard to their effectiveness and purity. The Commissioner is also invoking a rarely used new law he has created, which would allow people with immigrant ancestry to be sent back to the country they came from regardless of whether they were born here or became naturalized citizens here. ICE has already rounded him up.

DELAY
Subway service last Thursday morning began at 8:15 a.m. instead of the usual 6 a.m. due to some high-spirited holiday foolishness at our subway yards in Montauk, where all the trains are gathered up for maintenance after the subway service ends at 2 a.m. What happened is that a group of workmen decided to attach eight tiny fake reindeer they had made out of spare parts, metal tubes, duct tape and Christmas lights at the front of the first train out at 5:45 in the morning. With the motorman driving this contraption westward toward Amagansett with about 30 high-spirited holiday passengers on board, it hit a bump going up the hill into that town from Napeague, causing the eight reindeer on the front to break free and get crunched up while getting run over by the train, causing various electrical outages and derailments as it skidded to a halt on the tracks in back of the Amagansett IGA. No passengers were injured and the IGA distributed free fruit, cookies and apple cider to those shaken up, but the resulting delay in cleaning this mess up lasted two hours. We’re sure you understand.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Be sure not to miss the annual Christmas caroling in the lobby of our Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays, held this year at 10 a.m. on Thursday, December 19.