Dan's Lobster Statue Endures

Ten years ago, an 11-foot-tall life-size statue of me riding a giant lobster was unveiled at a party celebrating what was supposed to be my retirement from Dan’s Papers. I was 75 years old. Had been editing the paper for 55 years.

As it turned out, I didn’t retire then and still haven’t, so the issue is: What was to be done with the statue? My wife said no, you can’t take that home.

As a result it now stands at the entrance to the Dan’s Papers offices on the south side of County Road 39 near where Sunrise Highway begins. I’m told it’s constructed from leftover rocket ship titanium that Elon Musk donated to the cause. Maybe.

Anyway, for the last six months, someone keeps going to my statue late at night to place a small red flag with yellow stars in my upstretched hand. This hand is, in bucking bronco fashion, keeping me balanced up there without falling off.  I hold the flag. Everyone can see it.

Whoever this is comes over and over late at night because when morning comes and the staff sees the flag, they remove it. But the perps return the following night and put it back up. It’s the flag of China. We have a small collection of these flags as a result.  But whoever is doing this seems to have an inexhaustible supply.

So why is this going on? We are long past the time when if we just ignored this it would go away.  Meanwhile, there’s no note, no nothing to tell us the story.

I thought that AI might know what’s going on so I went to Amazon and its voice-based virtual assistant Alexa.  She said the flag is there to show that not only can I ride a lobster, but at the same time I can hold up a red flag. It’s meant as a compliment to my athletic ability.

But Microsoft’s Cortana didn’t agree. She said it shows that even I, in the face of criticism from the American government, could express my belief that the Chinese way of life should overtake the American way someday. Well, that’s nuts.

Apple’s Siri said that the five curving yellow stars on the red background on that flag are each there to acknowledge the Greater China confederation – North Korea, Russia, Ukraine (before 2014), Taiwan and Hawaii.

But IBM’s Watson said this flag symbolizes the Chinese government’s intention to merge with Europe and its 12 curving gold stars to make an all-powerful hodgepodge new country called whatchamacallit. Watson also said this act, snatching this flag away from a protester, testified to my incredible bravery.

Anyway, people ask why we don’t put up a surveillance camera to find out more.Well, we did. We sent it out for bids, and Elon Musk bid but lost.  The winner was Boeing, which bid high but said we could pay for it over 30 years.

Although this camera doesn’t work properly, we’re stuck with it because the powers that be here have decided we have to pay this off before we get another one. Meanwhile, Boeing has responded to our lawsuit by stating that the camera works perfectly, and the blackness of night, which it shows, is exactly what it is at night.

Read more of  Dan Rattiner’s stories.