Ask Beatty: When Is Enough Enough in a Relationship?

We all go through many ups and downs in our lives and relationships. No one is immune from life’s vicissitudes. Like it or not, this is the reality of the human condition. I recently received several emails from readers who wanted my opinion about their never ending roller-coaster ride relationships. Despite situational differences, these men and women, both single and married alike, wanted to know one thing; when is enough enough?

Case History: Initial Consultation

Angela is a 65-year-old married nurse practitioner who has been married to Gavin, 72, a financial analyst, for almost 35 years. Their primary residence is on the Upper East Side in New York City. During the summer months they vacation at their Southampton beach house along with their adult children and grandchildren. On the surface their life seems idyllic.

Reality

Angela told me that her husband has had numerous affairs over the years. Despite this, the couple made the decision to remain married. In the past, the majority of Gavin’s affairs were short lived. Two years ago he met a woman who he fell in love with. Angela found out about this affair after hiring a private detective. This was the final straw. She made the decision to file for divorce. No sooner than she hired the divorce attorney, her husband begged her to give him another chance. He promised to end the affair and do everything and anything to gain her trust. He told her how much he loved her and promised to be the husband that she deserved.

For a short while it appeared that things were going well. They talked, had dates and made love. However, soon Gavin began to withdraw. He became sullen and would disappear for hours. When Angela would ask him what was wrong, he told her he was tired and didn’t want to talk about it. Angela suspected that he was again in contact with his girlfriend. When her husband was asleep, she found his phone and read his recent emails. The affair was back on. It apparently had never ended. When Angela confronted him and told him that she had read his emails to her, he became so angry that she was afraid that he might hit her. Instead of taking responsibility for lying yet again, Gavin blamed her for snooping and told her that he needed space and was moving into a hotel for a few days. The following day, Angela called her divorce attorney. It looked like she was finally going to proceed with a divorce. Several days after the volatile scene, Gavin called her and said that he wanted to talk.  She reluctantly agreed. When they did meet, he apologized for getting angry with her and again promised that he would never speak to his girlfriend again. Despite her better judgment, Angela emailed her attorney and told him that they were going to try and make the marriage work after all.

This cycle of emotional abuse has been going on for over two years. Betrayal, followed by promises to end the affair and work on the marriage. Unfortunately, his words never matched his behavior. Throughout our therapy, Angela has gained inner strength and clarity about her marriage and herself. She realizes that she had been ‘played’ over and over again. She now knows on a deep level how she allowed and enabled her husband to emotionally abuse her for years. She’s done being a victim. Her court date for her divorce is in June.

Why do we allow and enable people to help us?

The majority of men and women who I have treated over the years who have been in abusive relationships of varying kinds, including physical, emotional, verbal, sexual and financial have one thing in common. They haven’t learned to clearly identify what kinds of behaviors are toxic and unacceptable and should never be tolerated under any circumstances at all. They are confused, always questioning and second guessing themselves. Many grew up in families where abusive behavior was normalized. Others experienced rollercoaster ride relationships with parents, never knowing on any given day whether they would be receiving a carrot or a stick. Ultimately, these crazy making dynamics play havoc on us, causing confusion about one’s self, one’s perception of reality and about what’s really okay.

Our Early Childhood

In Angela’s case, she initially described her relationship with her parents as very close and loving. However, the reality was that Angela never knew from one day to another whether the day would be calm and nurturing or whether she would be hit for some unexplained reason. This up and down dynamic unconsciously became a normal way to live. The Angela of today is a woman who has clarify about what loving behavior is and is not.  She no longer will tolerate disrespectful behavior from anyone.  Her boundaries are clear. Although she is understandably frightened about entering into this new chapter of life, she now has a new found inner strength and confidence that will serve her well as she moves forward. I’m so proud of her and of all of my patients who make the difficult decision to once and for all acknowledge, address and resolve the  difficulties as best as they can. that interfere with the quality of their lives and relationships. They’ve broken the pattern they thought was unchangeable and are now – sometimes for the first time in their lives – able to live their lives in ways that are in their best interest.

Beatty Cohan, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., A.A.S.E.C.T., is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton. Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send her your questions and comments to BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com.  For more information go to BeattyCohan.com.