Hamptons Subway Commissioner Goes Missing

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

The Late Show host Stephen Colbert was seen traveling from Bridgehampton to Sag Harbor last Thursday afternoon. He was sitting there very quiet, not telling jokes or anything.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL MISSING!!

Bill Aspinall is missing. The last person to talk to him was the reporter, Sadie, here at the newsletter. After that, he left our offices here in Hampton Bays – it was right after a birthday party for Jose Bandito, our new accountant, who turned 51 – saying he was going to go down to take the subway to Westhampton Beach, and we have not seen him since.

Hampton Bays token booth attendant Marsha Franklin may have really been the last person to see him. He waved to her when he got down to the turnstile, ducked under it indicating it was OK, because he was the commissioner, and she saw him getting into a subway car. Nobody has seen him since. That was three days ago.

THE SUBWAY POLICE CHIEF’S STATEMENT

All passengers and employees of Hamptons Subway should be on the lookout for Aspinall. Commissioner Aspinall is neither armed nor dangerous, but he might be distraught. He has been gone 3 days, 4 hours and 7 minutes as of this writing. He is of average height and average build, has brown hair and eyes, and has no special identifying features other than a small 1-inch horizontal scar just under his belly button where laparoscopic surgery was performed in 2004. He is 56 years, 10 months, and 13 days old. If you see him, report to us immediately. The phone company has set up a special line where you can reach me directly. Just dial 91. Don’t add the second 1. Just 91. I am standing by that phone.

DOGS SENT OUT BUT COME BACK

The nine German shepherds that patrol inside the barbed wire to guard the railroad cars in the yard at Montauk were sent out at 2 a.m. on Friday night after the system shut down for maintenance to locate Aspinall. They had been given some unwashed Aspinall socks to smell before they went. They have not been seen again either. Beware of them. Some of them bite.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLADYS GOODING

A birthday party for Gladys Gooding, the woman who says “Watch out for the closing doors” was held in the cafeteria of our Hampton Bays office last Friday as she turned 81. It was a somber affair, considering that the commissioner is still missing. She broke into tears and could not blow out the birthday cake candles.

PLEA FROM MRS. ASPINALL

This is my first public appearance in this newsletter. I hope it works out. Please, darling, I hope you read this. I am sorry about the soap on the floor in the shower. I just didn’t see where it had gone. It won’t happen again. I hope you haven’t done anything stupid. Please, please come home.

ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER BELKIN’S REPORT

I am Assistant Commissioner Belkin. You may never have heard of me. I do whatever Commissioner Aspinall says. But now I am in charge and in spite of my grief, we are going to hang black crepe through all the tunnels, and from now on you can count on me, at least until…

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Hello everybody! I’m back!! Hey! I had the most wonderful time! You’re not going to believe this. So I got on the subway at Hampton Bays heading west on Monday and I went to East Quogue and got off. I just wanted to go only one stop this first time, it’s been so long.

But in the dark of the tunnel just before coming into the station there, I saw something, a big wooden door covered with cobwebs to my right. So at the stop, I got off and went back down the tracks to see what it was. I opened the door.

Inside was a beautiful wine tasting room, covered with cobwebs. Beyond it were racks and racks of old wine all dated from 1932 when the subway was built. I sampled one. That’s all I remember. I woke up with dogs.

But what we’re doing is this. On New Years Eve, I am announcing at this moment that Dan’s Papers will have a huge party in that huge wine tasting room – I think we could accommodate as many as 4,000 people in there and we’ll welcome in 2026 with a huge taco barbecue, a live band, fireworks, and cases and cases of this old good stuff I found.

All you celebrities, come in for free and we’ll have dancing girls, karaoke, Frisbee throwing, five different hot tubs and a steam and sauna, plus a bicycle race around the track that’s there, a beard-growing contest and a dog show. Also tap dancing, beer-bottle throwing, archery, and acrobats from Transylvania. Come on down!! The doors will open at 11 p.m. Just use the walkway along the wall heading eastbound from the East Quogue station. Everybody!! All free!!!

[Unfortunately, this note, found taped to the token booth in East Quogue on Friday, Jan. 2, at 6 a.m. when the subway system opened for the day, was two days after New Year’s. So, obviously, there was no party. We reprint it here in the hopes that his handwriting helps someone identify where Aspinall is, as unfortunately, he is still missing. – Editor.]