Hamptons Subway Considers Controversial New Logo

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Keith Hernandez, the legendary first baseman for the New York Mets turned sportscaster, was seen down on the Westhampton Beach platform waiting for an eastbound train to take him home to his residence in Sag Harbor last Thursday. Olympic ice skater Nancy Kerrigan was spotted on a westbound train leaving Southampton last Sunday afternoon accompanied by singer Nancy Atlas.

NEW LOGO FOR HAMPTONS SUBWAY

The competition to create the new logo for Hampton Subway has ended and the winner is the marketing firm Bellhop and Scandal of Manhattan. The new logo, if approved by our Commissioner, will result in a change in the name of Hampton Subway. It will be Hamptons Subway, with an “s” at the end of Hampton.

“People are currently confused by the name Hampton Subway,” Henry Bellhop explained. “They think it refers to just one Hampton. And they don’t know which one it is.” The new logo has the two words merged as one, with the two S letters capitalized and pushed together like this: HamptonSSubway.

“The SS will be everywhere,” Bellhop said. “It will remind people of those zappy military uniforms worn during World War II with the SS on them.”

Bellhop spoke about his winning entry in the lobby of the Hampton Subway Building in Hampton Bays, the only building in America ever built to the brutal designs of Albert Speer, the architect to the Führer during that war. A big blinking neon SS sign is now on the roof of that building.

NEW WHITE UNIFORMS

All token booth operators, motormen and subway conductors will be required to dress in the new white linen uniforms beginning on Feb. 1. White linen is the dress de riguer of the Hamptons. It’s what F. Scott Fitzgerald and his friends wore. So the Subway is now “With it,” to coin a phrase.

WAR SECRETARY PETE HEGSETH HERE

Secretary of War Pete Hegseth, in the Hamptons intending to discuss President Donald Trump’s purchasing of Hampton Subway from Commissioner Bill Aspinall for a dollar and then learning Aspinall was on vacation in the South of France having not informed President Trump about it, said there might be consequences. “I am recommending an embargo on the subway system beginning this coming Monday because of this snub,” he said at a press conference. “We will have troops at both ends of the subway line blocking all customers from getting in or out.” He also said he would be leaving on Saturday afternoon at 5 p.m., two days before the embargo. And he did. But not before Hamptons Subway Assistant Commissioner Harry Beerbottom, thinking of what Commissioner Aspinall might do in these circumstances, arranged a triumphal exit for Hegseth.

On hand at the top of the escalators going down to the Southampton platform was a garland of red, white and blue flowers circling the railings, and on the platform he’d arranged for the Hampton Harbor High School Marching Band to play The Star-Spangled Banner when Hegseth stepped from his limo to the curb there. (They had even flatbedded over the big cannon they fire during this performance). And down the escalator, the platform was cleared of our regular straphangers, American flags were hung from the ceiling and on the tracks, our best subway train, all recently polished and shined up, was waiting for him with an “Adios, Pete” banner on it. Also there was Hamptons Subway public relations director Tom Basketball to offer up a special plaque to commemorate Hegseth’s visit.

As it happened, however, the Secretary of War left by private plane. Hamptons Subway first learned of this when all the band members looked up to see the big new Airbus A380 with Hegseth’s name on the side all loaded up with his entourage, just barely clearing the trees with all that weight and then flying off with a massive rumble to the West.

And that inspired Mr. Terence Wachter, the bandmaster, to order the band to start playing The SSB again, which they did as the plane flew over, and at the right spot the cannon was fired. Also, the baton twirlers did hold off on throwing the batons up in the air until it was certain they would not hit the low-flying plane.

A messenger then ran up the escalator to tell Vice Commissioner Beerbottom that Hegseth had left.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

So I return from my well-earned two-week vacation in the South of France to find that without me here for just two weeks they’ve done what? Put subway cars on the back that make people sick? Change the logo to match those of the Nazi Stormtroopers? Buy white linen uniforms that will be covered with soot within a week? Insult the Secretary of War while here to pressure me about selling Hamptons Subway to my dear friend Donald for a dollar? I’ve told him again and again that Hamptons Subway is not for sale but you know the guy is just so persistent, saying he needs to have a military presence here in case bad people rise up from underground to demonstrate against him, as just happened? We actually saw it on a French television news report. Democratic archers firing arrows at the name “Trump” high up on the sides of all his buildings late at night, causing the letter “T” to fall off everywhere.

No, it’s not coming from Hamptons Subway, Donald. And after I get over my jet lag I will go to Washington to discuss this further.

What a homecoming.