Hamptons Subway Squished Penny Crew Busted

SCENE ON HAMPTONS SUBWAY

Jimmy Fallon was seen waiting for a westbound train in Bridgehampton last Wednesday evening. Anderson Cooper was seen on an eastbound between East Hampton and Amagansett last Friday night.

SUBWAY OPENING LATE SATURDAY

This coming Saturday, Hamptons Subway will open its turnstiles at 7 a.m. rather than the usual 6 so that the workmen can finish the job of replacing all the ceiling light bulbs in all the tunnels. Hamptons Subway decided a few years ago to replace them every two years on Jan. 30 whether they needed to be replaced or not. It was an economy measure. Before that, light bulbs were replaced when they burned out, and it meant that we had to employ three people year around to keep up with things, what with the ladder and the handcar and the guy that screwed light bulbs. It also caused occasional delays in the service. Now, we were able to fire these full-time people and instead, to do the job, we have outsourced it to a firm, Hata Ho, from Bangladesh. They charge just $8 a day for the three men who do this. The men are acrobats who run around and jump up to stand on each other’s shoulders. They are super fast, get it all done in one night, and the only added expense is the 41,412 lightbulbs that we put in brand new. All the old ones are for sale on eBay by the way, with the auction starting Sunday and ending Friday. And we’ve been told that by replacing them, we save electricity, because the older ones require more of it to make the same illumination as they age.

HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS

It’s time for Hamptons Subway to issue its annual advisory about what to do if a hurricane strikes the Hamptons. The advice is to stay out of the subway. If you are in the subway when a hurricane hits, exit immediately, using one of the umbrellas now in place in all the umbrella bins by the escalators. You may return them later. If you cannot get out of the subway when the siren sounds, just stand in a door frame and brace yourself on it with your arms and legs until the danger passes.

This advisory has been sent to you at the request of our business attorneys Sneakin, Katchum and Sue, who are also hereby informing you that by reading this you are also agreeing that you have now indemnified Hamptons Subway and its executives from any damages that might occur to you or your person in the Hamptons Subway while trying to deal with a hurricane situation which you freely acknowledge at this time to be hereby considered an act of God. Run for your lives!

SQUASHED PENNY RING BROKEN

Subway police have arrested six preteens for putting pennies on the tracks in the tunnel between Water Mill and Southampton and having the train wheels squash them as the cars come through. None of the names of those arrested is being made public because of their age.

The Squashed Penny Ring was broken because, after it came to the attention of the authorities that there was a little bump about halfway along this stretch that was not caused by any malfunction in the tracks or the trains, an around-the-clock police stakeout was put into place.

On day 15, one of the ringleaders came out from a storeroom on the side of the subway tunnel with a penny, placed it on the tracks and, before he could do anything else, was pounced upon and taken away.

In the storeroom, the authorities later found on a shelf nearly 200 old glass milk bottles filled with squashed pennies. With an estimated 300 squashed pennies in each bottle, this was quite a haul.

MOTORMEN THREATEN STRIKE

Motorman’s Union #54, which represents our employees who drive the train, says they will strike in 10 days if no new agreement is reached on their recently expired old contract. Negotiators are working furiously to meet the deadline, but the commissioner says that even if they strike, the trains will still be in service. Many executives know how to drive the trains, he said. How hard can it be? And you can’t swerve off the tracks.

STRANGE REQUEST

We often allow weddings to be held on the platforms of our subway system. There have been so many recently that we have not been able to keep up in telling you about them. They are between men and women, women and women, men and men, and women and men or whatever. We celebrate them all. Anybody interested in getting married on our platforms is welcome to contact Hamptons Subway in our offices in Hampton Bays. Speak to Gladys, the secretary there who personally has been married five times on the subway, a record we think, and therefore, knows about what she speaks.

NO CAMPAIGNING

We would like to remind everyone that there is absolutely no political campaigning record the subway system and that includes no singing songs about a particular candidate, even if the song is one everybody knows except the words have been changed a little.

JELLO MOLD MONDAY

Every Monday during the month of January is Jello Mold Monday in the Hamptons Subway’s headquarters employee cafeteria. Our behind-the-scenes cooks and caterers here have found a way to carve watermelon slices into exact miniatures of subway cars. Congratulations, team. The molds come in lemon, lime, orange, grapefruit, peach, and cherry flavors. They often run out of the most popular of all, the watermelon-flavored ones.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

My hat is off to the staff of Hamptons Subway, who work their behinds off every day from 6 a.m. until midnight, to keep our customers happy and content and not upset about anything. You are a great staff and I am proud of you all. (Editor’s note: The subway is open until 1 a.m.)