The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of August 15–21, 2014

Week of August 15–21, 2014 
Riders this past week: 23,712
Rider miles this past week: 110,510

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Robert DeNiro was seen getting on the subway at the Napeague stop heading east to return to his family home in Montauk. Justin Bieber got on the subway at the Southampton stop heading westbound, but then got off and raced up the stairs and across and down to get on the subway going eastbound. Southampton Town Supervisor Anna Throne-Holst was seen getting on the subway with her little dog in Water Mill heading westbound. She waved at our spotter and then smiled.

BEACH BALLS
Until this week, there have been no problems with people taking beach balls onto the subway. But on Thursday there was a delay at the Southampton station for 40 minutes when a beach ball got stuck in the closing doors and nobody could knock it out, or get the doors open or all the way closed, during that period. At almost exactly the same time, a beach ball got stuck in the closing doors of a subway in Amagansett, causing a delay of 15 minutes. And in Westhampton Beach still another beach ball got jammed on a subway for 28 minutes that day.

We don’t know what this is all about because the perps who got these beach balls stuck fled the scene. We’d like these three people, all young adult white males, to step forward and claim their beach balls. Just surrender to the nearest subway employee. We have your fingerprints.

TICKET TAKERS
We have had several reports of people in uniform coming through the aisles of our subway cars shouting, “Tickets please, tickets please!” and then selling fake subway tickets to those who don’t have them. Please do not fall for this scam. When you swiped your subway card at the turnstiles, that counted as your payment for any subway ride throughout the system as long as you do not exit the system and then try to come back in again. Such scammers only exist because there are stupid people like you who don’t realize this. Don’t you be one.

NEW RULE
Beginning on Monday, August 18, no one will be allowed on the Hamptons Subway with an inflated beach ball with a diameter greater than 24 inches. If you insist on having such a beach ball in your possession when you take the subway after that date, please deflate your beach ball at the compressed air stations that are currently being installed just outside the turnstiles on the walls at every station. Deflation, which must be done to reduce beach ball size to less than 24 inches—a string to measure by is provided hanging from the nozzle—isfree of charge. Inflation, which also can be performed at these stations, requires that you insert quarters to receive five minutes of re-inflation time each.

STATION CLOSURE
The Quogue Station will be closed from 4 p.m. until closing next Wednesday in order to repair damage down to the concrete station platform by the Estoril Clog and Cleat Portuguese Dancing Troupe, who apparently should never have been given approval to entertain down there a week earlier. The damage was done on their first day of dancing, and it caused a closure of the station from that day until now, when it will be closed again for repairs.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Except for those few who have misbehaved in the abovementioned incidents and who will be getting their just desserts when we catch up with them, all other passengers behaved politely last week and we wish to thank them for their cooperation.

 READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY!

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