The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of January 21–27, 2015

Week of January 21–27, 2015
Riders this past week: 8,833
Rider miles this past week: 67,412

DOWN IN THE TUBE
The Wasserstein brothers, Owen and Abe, were seen chattering away on the Hamptons Subway last Monday heading from East Hampton to Amagansett. Steven Spielberg and Julianne Moore, talking animatedly, were seen heading to Sag Harbor from Bridgehampton on Friday evening. Also on Friday, Jon Stewart was seen on the platform at Sag Harbor, apparently down there to meet someone, because trains stopped and he didn’t get on them.

SUBWAY TIME TRIALS
Don’t forget, this Sunday from 1–5 p.m. all express train service will be suspended for the First Annual Hamptons Subway time trials. The subway motorman that can get his train around the circuit of Hamptons Subway in the fastest time will win $1,000 and a gold cup. Subway users can watch the races at any subway platform, except when the local train stops to drop off and pickup passengers and temporarily blocks the view. The start and finish line will be at the Montauk Station, where we expect some excitement as each train comes by the checkered flag at the platform and the motormen have to hit the brakes violently hard in order to make the last turn into the subway yards before they hit the end of the line barrier.

The record for the fastest time around the full 72-mile circuit of Hamptons Subway from Montauk to Eastport and back is 1 hour 32.8 minutes, a time we expect to be easily broken on Sunday because many of the entrants are bringing lead cars with engines all souped up. These cars with their hot-rod engines coming from as far away as Daytona, will each tow five Hamptons Subway cars, screeching off the starting line at 15 minute intervals. As the last entrant of the 12 will get back no later than 5 p.m., our regular express service will resume at that time. The gold cup will be awarded to the winner in the subway roundhouse in the Hampton Subway train yard at Montauk by former New York Port Authority Commissioner Peter Kalikow, who owns a vacation home on nearby Star Island.

RIVERHEAD MONKEYWRENCH
Hamptons Subway has been working in good faith with North Fork officials to establish an extension on the North Fork for new subway stops. We’ve been looking at having seven stops, at Riverhead, Jamesport, Cutchogue, Mattituck, Southold, Greenport and Orient. But now Riverhead makes it clear they will only go along with this if there are FOUR stops in that town, at Tanger Mall, Peconic Bay Medical Center, Main Street and the Aquarium. Just to be clear, this is completely out of the question.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Another idea in the planning of the North Fork extension of Hamptons Subway consists of a plan for the now-abandoned subway tunnel that was dug from the Sag Harbor stop heading north to supposedly get to Foxwoods, in Connecticut. That tunnel was never opened, because on the sea bottom under Long Island Sound our construction crew struck oil, which flooded the tunnel and would have inundated Sag Harbor if a huge reinforced concrete wall was not built in just one afternoon to block the flood of oil by creating a floor-to-ceiling dam across the tunnel just north of the Sag Harbor platform. Now it’s being suggested that we put a cap with a valve on the well where we hit oil, clear the tunnel, use it as part of the North Fork branch and sell the oil to Hess. This is a great idea, but why wasn’t it thought of when oil prices were high? Now it makes no sense.

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