Sheltered Islander

Sheltered Islander: Laws of Flynn

Shelter Island may be moving toward a ban on plastic bags. It makes good environmental sense, but personally I feel it’s best to give people a choice. Sometimes, like when it’s raining, plastic is a better choice for carrying things. But while we are on the subject, I thought of some other things I would like to see allowed or banned on Shelter Island.

1. Let’s ban those big semi trucks that just go across the island to get from one fork to the other. They take up too much room on the ferries, and they scare me.

2. When people are in a checkout line and they tell the cashier, “Well that’s not the way we do it in the city,” let’s reserve the right of the cashier to punch them in the face.

3. When people in expensive cars argue with the ferry workers about other cars being too close to them, let’s reserve the right of those workers to push that car off the boat. And that will keep it from being too close to any other cars.

4. I’m really tired of being politically correct. I’d like to reserve the right for parents to tie unwieldy children to the posts in front of stores so that they and their fellow shoppers can shop in peace. It’s not as terrible as it sounds, just leave them a little dish of water.

5. I know some Islanders would like to ban cars with Florida license plates because the drivers seem to drive so slow. I say no, because they are the only people who drive slower than me and I need them for comparison, so that Islanders who get behind me can say, “At least she’s not as slow as those Florida people.”

6. I’d like to ban those pine tree car fresheners worldwide.

7. I’d like to ban zaftig tourists from wearing tube tops in the summertime. Even a tire has a pressure limit. I also want to ban wearing speedos. I don’t care if you are European. Unless you are a buff lifeguard—no speedos.

8. I would like to see a ban on granola bars. You can choke them down if they are moist, but most are dry bricks. And they never satisfy you. Better you should have a small bag of M&Ms than choke down compressed sawdust.

9. I’d like to reserve the right of any Islander to beat up whoever clears out the deer meat freezers at the recycle center. Common sense says, “Take three things and leave the rest for others.” And by the way, thank you to all the hunters who have donated fresh venison to the Island.

10. I’d like to reserve the right of any employer to refuse to hire someone who has bolts, pins, and/or rings in their face. I hate interacting with people who have bolts in their tongues that click against their teeth when they talk. When I see people with lip rings, eyebrow rings and bolts through their nose, it makes me wonder when facial jewelry by gun-maker Torguemada became popular.

11. I would like to have a big dog park. A dog should have shots and tags and be able to run free somewhere.

12. I think there should be a ban on kale. No matter how much the vegans praise it, it’s the bitterest vegetable on the planet, and it does not qualify as an edible food.

13. And while I’m at it, I want to ban vegans from launching into vegan lectures while sitting at a table with non-vegans who would very much like to enjoy their expensive steak.

14. Lastly, I would like to ban people from leaving their cars while waiting in the ferry line. They get worried they won’t get back in time, and if I drive around them, they might think I’m cutting ahead of them. What if they demand to get back ahead of me when they return to the line? Am I morally obligated to let them? I don’t really know. I don’t need this kind of anxiety, mister, so stay in your car.

Well, this would be the world that I would design if I could.

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