Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Sag Harbor Traffic Fix, 4/20 Giggles

New Traffic Patterns Approved
Last week, authorities issued a notice concerning the implementation of new traffic patterns on local roads as the area prepares for summer crowds and the traffic congestion that accompanies them. According to the notice, motorists will see substantial changes to three key traffic arteries on the South Fork. First, where Noyac Road intersects with North Sea Road there will be constructed a complex interchange that will require drivers to switch over to the left-hand lane. Traffic thereafter will flow on Noyac Road with eastbound cars in what is now the westbound lane and westbound cars in the eastbound lane, as it is done in the UK. Another new interchange at Long Beach in Sag Harbor will return cars to their customary lanes. Experts feel that this will force drivers to pay greater attention to what they’re doing, and thereby avoid accidents. In addition to this change, the notice stipulates that all rotaries on the South Fork, through which cars currently drive uniformly counter-clockwise, will be reconfigured to allow traffic to flow both clockwise and counterclockwise, allowing drivers to take the shortest route to their exit off of the rotary rather than sometimes having to drive the long way around the rotary to get where they’re going. It is hoped that this change will speed traffic flows during the hectic summer months. The third major change, the details of which are still being worked out, will turn every street in Sag Harbor into a one-way street. So far, it has been announced that Main Street north of Washington will be one-way to the north, and south of Washington one-way to the south, with a barricade erected at Washington to prevent confusion. Do Not Enter signs will be placed at key intersections leading into the village to guard against drivers carelessly driving in the direction of the village, which will no longer be possible.

What’s So Funny?
Police were alerted to a strange circumstance by several callers on Monday, April 20. According to a later report, police received numerous calls complaining of elevated levels of laughter and giggling among ordinary citizens. “The calls we received were centered on otherwise ordinary people laughing and giggling over things that weren’t really that funny,” explained police spokesman Larry Hirsch. “Ordinarily it wouldn’t rise to the level of a police matter, but the number of the calls meant we should probably look into it.” No conclusions have been reached as yet, although area supermarkets noted that they also had unexpectedly sold out of pretzels and potato chips on April 20.

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