Police Blotter

Police Arrest All Montauk Residents, Visitors

Responding to public outcry over the chaos and lawlessness that has plagued Montauk this summer, the Hamptons Police announced on Friday that every man, woman and child currently occupying the hamlet is under arrest until further notice.

Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch clarified: “This is a serious crackdown on the widespread misbehavior we’ve been seeing this summer. Everybody in Montauk is officially in police custody and under arrest. Those who enter the hamlet, whether by train, car, boat, bicycle or on foot are henceforth in police custody and under arrest. Those who exit the hamlet, whether by train, car, boat, bicycle or on foot, are no longer in police custody, nor are they under arrest. But if they come back, they will be under arrest again.”

Hirsch reported that four Hamptons Police officers were on duty to guard the inmates of Montauk. Asked about what restrictions pertain to the occupants of Montauk as a result of their being under arrest, Hirsch became visibly irate. “What do you think? These people are under arrest—what part of that don’t you understand?”

Hirsch stated that the occupants of Montauk would remain under arrest until the situation there improves.

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