Police Blotter

Montauk Free-For-All Begins – Lemonade Stands Still a No-No

Noting that the summer is pretty much over, officials in Montauk have decided to roll back all of their recent additional rules—put in place over the summer to control unruly visitors. They’ve also decided to relax enforcement of all other laws.

“They’ve instructed the Hamptons Police to basically back off,” police spokesman Larry Hirsch says, announcing the move. “They really want to wring every last red cent out of the tourists before the winter kills their business.”

Hirsch says visitors to Montauk should not be concerned about where they park, should feel free to drink alcohol wherever and whenever they want, and shouldn’t be “overly cautious” about public intoxication or urination. “If you have to go, go! What’s a little more water in a place like Montauk?”

The police spokesman went on to say that police would also have a “blind-eye” policy toward overcrowding in beach bars and public sex acts during the upcoming colder months. “Our attitude is, if you’re so hot that you need to do it in the road when it’s 40 degrees out, then more power to you—who are we to stand in the way of Mother Nature?”

Hirsch did caution that lemonade stands still are not permitted, even under the new regime.

“If you try to sell lemonade from a roadside stand, we’re going to have a problem,” he says.

Read more from the Hamptons Police Blotter!

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