Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Manage No Pants Subway Day Confusion

The Hamptons Police Department received numerous calls last Sunday from residents who complained of people walking around Hamptons villages without any pants on.

“Police followed up on the calls and discovered that in fact there were an unusual number of pants-less individuals at large on downtown streets,” says Hamptons Police Department spokesman Larry Hirsch. “On a typical weekend, you’d expect to find between 20 and 30 pants-less people on the street—usually they’ve just absent-mindedly neglected to put their pants on. On the Sunday in question, we stopped closer to 350 such individuals. Now, just to be clear, those we found were wearing underwear, but no pants or skirt or any kind of outerwear below the waist.”

In addition to the usual Sunday contingent of people who just forgot to put pants on, Hirsch says the surprising number of half-naked pedestrians included a large number of UpIslanders who were looking to participate in the worldwide No Pants Subway Day 2016.

“The callers noted that these people seemed to be wandering around aimlessly, but it turns out that they just couldn’t find the entrances to the Hamptons Subway in order to take part in this important worldwide event. Well, we’ve all been there—those Subway entrances are pretty hard to locate even with your pants on!”

Hirsch went on to say that the police took it upon themselves to direct the underdressed visitors to the Hamptons Subway stations, and the situation was resolved without major incident.

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