Police Blotter

Police Shudder at Thought of Piney Pete’s Return

The Hamptons Police Department is seeking help from the public, looking for any information regarding the whereabouts of an official search party that went missing in the Pine Barrens last weekend.

According to police, the search party, comprising five veteran officers equipped with GPS devices and satellite phones, entered the Pine Barrens on Saturday morning and almost immediately lost contact with police monitoring stations.

“We haven’t heard a peep out of them since 11:20 a.m. Saturday morning, and we’ve been monitoring all frequencies,” spokesman Larry Hirsch said. “These are our best officers though, and we do expect them to check in any minute.”

Hirsch’s outward optimism was somewhat contradicted by the dark circles under his eyes and by a decidedly desperate tone in his voice as he pleaded with the public to provide any shred of evidence they could. He explained that the search party had been dispatched to search for illegal ATV riders who have gone missing in the Pine Barrens over the last few weeks. Initially, the police were reluctant to send in a search party for fear that the search party itself might go missing.

“To be honest, what with the moonshiners in there and the risk of quicksand, I advised against going in,” Hirsch said. “It’s just a bunch of punk ATV riders. But these guys were willing to risk it.”

Asked about rumored recent sightings of Piney Pete, the legendary beast thought to roam the more remote precincts of the Pine Barrens in search of human flesh, Hirsch shuddered. “I don’t even want to think about it,” he said, before adding, “God help us all.”

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