The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of December 14–20, 2017

Week of December 14–20, 2017
Riders this past week: 29,713
Rider miles this past week: 88,943

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Chris Martin of Cold Play was heard humming a tune as he went from Amagansett to Montauk last Saturday night. Jerry Seinfeld and Jason Alexander were seen traveling from Sag Harbor to East Hampton, discussing a new TV series called Comedians in Subway Cars on Monday morning. Scarlett Johansson, in dark sunglasses, was seen traveling from Quogue to Westhampton Beach on Tuesday morning, or at least we think it was her. Alec Baldwin was seen in his tracksuit at Amagansett for his usual lead car subway jog on Wednesday at 6 a.m. He says he does his best thinking at that hour, riding our rails. He jogs in place.

FIRE DELAY
Four of the eight enormous Christmas wreaths we placed on the front of every lead subway car this past Thursday have been burned in a fire. The first train bearing one out of the Montauk Yards hit the famous “Orwellian Bump” between Wainscott and Sagaponack at 6:30 a.m. This bump in the railbed has been there since the subway system began. It cannot be removed. (It’s a granite outcropping from below.) We’ve tried. Anyway, the first subway car hit it, lurched, and the wreath flew off onto the third rail where it immediately caught fire. The train continued on as did a second and third train that had the same thing happen. The fire department came and we had the half-hour delay. We removed the wreaths on the trains that had not yet left the yards. They are for sale. Call the Hamptons Subway office to purchase them.

ALTERNATE SEX CARS
As of this past Monday, we now have separated the sexes on each of the subway trains. Cars one, three and five are for men, cars two, four and six are for women. We think it best. The symbol for which sex is for which are designated by the big well-known restroom symbols, all painted large on the sliding doors. Be sure to look for these symbols before the doors slide open. If you miss doing that, just look at the people inside. The women are all happy, talking, well-groomed and they stand around. The men sit and are sad, quiet and rumpled. Many man-spread to keep large seating areas for themselves. Also, there’s lots of trash in the men’s cars.

NEW DIRECTOR FIRED
Thomas Jay Bolten was fired yesterday. He was hired just two weeks ago as the new Director of Operations of Hamptons Subway, bringing with him a world of experience as former D of O at Toys“R”Us. But his morning muster in the Hamptons Subway building has proved too much for our employees. Under his rule, the entire staff shows up at 6 a.m. for a pre-work sing-a-long of railroad songs. They include “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad” and “The Wabash Cannonball” and others. There have been complaints. He said this helped employee morale at Toys“R”Us. But it doesn’t work here.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
The annual Christmas contest where families bring their kids to the top of Fort Hill in Montauk to look down at the Montauk Yards, count the subway cars and put their guess in the slot of the red and green metal box up there to win a free ride with Santa the Motorman on Christmas Eve, has been cancelled. Nobody has entered. Surveys say residents blame it on North Korea, men, Isis, the Russians but mostly the antics of President Trump. Santa will steer the subway alone on December 24.

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