Police Blotter

Dead Dogs and Livestock Turn Out to Be Crisis Actors in Training

The Hamptons Police Department was called in for a welfare check at a local farm this week after multiple reports of dead livestock, dogs, cats and other beasts began pouring in from concerned passersby. With fears of finding terrible animal abuses, officers were relieved to learn that the creatures were merely pretending to be dead.

“We didn’t know it until going there, but it appears we have a new business in town,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch said. “McChase’s Crisis Farm has taken up shop in Water Mill,” he continued, pointing out, “They don’t kill animals there—they simply train various types of animals to play dead in false flag operations meant to forward the Liberal agenda around the globe.”

The farm’s owner, Greer McChase explained, though he was clearly peeved at being discovered. “Well, it’s like this…if PETA needs to show people dead animals in order to promote vegetarianism and hurt the fur trade, they call us,” he said. “My animals, including some very well trained mink and rabbits, are specially conditioned to play dead for long periods of time, so when animal rights organizations need to show animals being senselessly killed en masses—which we all know doesn’t really happen—my critters do their thing for the cameras.”

During a tour of his facility, McChase introduced police to a veritable menagerie of animals, including pigs, horses and cows—two of which he said helped further the “fake mad cow disease story” in England—along with dogs, cats, birds, elephants and much, much more. He also noted that his sister business, McChase’s AquaCrisis in Texas, trains whales, seals, dolphins and sea birds to play dead or pretend to be hurt in oil spills for organizations such as Greenpeace.

“Remember that movie about them dolphins getting killed in that cove? That was us.”

Police allayed the fears of neighbors and declined McChase, though the Hamptons Municipal Board has promised to check his permits and make sure such a business is permitted in the Hamptons.

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