The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 21–28, 2019

Ina Garten was told not to walk barefoot in our cars or platforms.

Week of March 21–28, 2019
Riders this past week: 41,222
Rider miles this past week: 107,943

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Eli Manning, quarterback of the New York Giants, was seen throwing short passes to wide receivers on the Quogue platform. A few straphangers got hit but were glad of it. Nobody was injured. Ina Garten, the celebrity cookbook author and television personality was admonished for riding the Hamptons Subway barefoot between Sag Harbor and Bridgehampton. She said she was in Contessa mode, so that was good enough for us.

ONE HELIUM BALLOON
Since March 1 when the new helium balloon ban went into effect in East Hampton Township, Hamptons Subway has been struggling to get an inflated helium balloon down and out from under an air vent grating in Georgica. The air vent grating sits on private property that used to be farmland but is today the lawn adjacent to the swimming pool of a large private mansion built there on Lily Pond Lane in 2015. The owner of this mansion will not let Hamptons Subway employees on the property to temporarily lift the grating to get the balloon out. Meanwhile, from underneath, which is Subway property, we have no pole or ladder long enough to get us close enough to either pop it or remove it. It’s stuck up there.

The East Hampton Ordinance Inspector issues one violation every day it is up there. Each violation costs $175. It may be necessary, if this is not resolved by the end of 2019, to raise subway fares in order to balance our budget.

BLINKING BLUE LIGHT
On January 1, a series of new blue warning lights were put into service at subway entrances up by the street and above all tunnel openings that lead into station platforms. The lights would begin blinking when a train was two minutes from arriving at the station and then stop when the train pulled in, and this was supposed to help passengers still up on the street, or just coming down the escalators. A train was coming. Be alert.

Being that it was flashing blue rather than either red or green, most people got confused about what it meant when it flashed. Several people were injured rushing down the escalators to meet the trains hoping they weren’t pulling out of the station yet—either one way or the other. Meanwhile, further chaos occurred on the platforms when people took it to mean that the trains were stuck down in the tunnel and not coming at all.

We regret ever having installed these lights. We were apparently sold a bill of goods by a traveling subway light salesman who blew into town, said all subway systems were now using blinking blue lights and then blew back out of town counting his money. As we have been using the lights for less than 90 days, we intend to request they be returned and our substantial expense refunded, but because the salesman left no receipt, we do not know who he is or how to contact him. The police have been called in, but say it’s a private matter. Anyway, we’ve asked a local contractor to remove these offending flashing lights and hope that he will do so soon, especially before the 90 days are up, which is on April 1.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I will be taking off for five weeks beginning Monday to go on a concert tour around the country with my band The Commissioner and the Three Motormen. Send $20 to me by check c/o Hamptons Subway, 4123 Ponquogue Road, Hampton Bays, 11946, make it out to me personally and I will send you our CD.

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