Police Blotter

Bottomless Ocean Society Sinks to New Low – Requests HPD Submarine

The group's Montauk chapter sought to descend through Earth to Perth, Australia.

Hamptons Police refused a request from Montauk’s chapter of the Bottomless Ocean Society (BOS)—a group that insists the ocean has no sea floor—to borrow the Department’s Virginia-class nuclear submarine, Jaws VIII, this week. BOS members had hoped to drive the sub far offshore and descend until they resurfaced off the coast of Perth, Australia, proving their position once and for all.

“That’s obviously not happening,” the submarine’s captain Curly McGruff said, crushing the local BOS members’ hopes and dreams of vindication. “It’s just really stupid.”

The BOS has long argued that once one gets far enough away from land masses, the “so-called” ocean floor is actually more like Swiss cheese, featuring certain areas of visible substrate, as seen by scuba divers and submersibles, and endless depths everywhere else. The group describes the planet, “like a big ball of water containing some neutrally buoyant chunks of material and floating land masses.”

They have vowed to get the HPD submarine “one way or another” before it’s dry docked next month.​

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Bottomless Ocean Society logo
Bottomless Ocean Society logo, Photo: Tomas Griger/123RF
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