Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of December 26–January 1, 2019

Jerry Seinfeld rode the Hamptons Subway this week
Jerry Seinfeld rode the Hamptons Subway this week, Photo: Jemal Countess, littleny/Getty Images Entertainment, iStock/Thinkstock

Week of December 26–January 1, 2019
Riders this past week: 38,411
Rider miles this past week: 109,524

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Michael Bloomberg with his special 10-man and one-woman Secret Service Unit were seen riding the subway between Sag Harbor and Bridgehampton on Thursday.

SUBWAY SERVICE INTERRUPTION
As we have done for the past nine years, the Hamptons Subway will be out of service from December 31 at noon until either the third or fourth of January.

During this time, the annual Hamptons Subway New Year’s Eve Celebration and parade, a legendary affair that has been reported around the world every year will take place throughout our tunnels and on all our platforms. As always, everyone is invited, free of charge and a good time will be had by all including as last year the Rockettes, the Green Bay Packers, all the Academy Award Winners (it’s a requirement of winning) and bands and floats from Universities, Cities, States and Countries all over the world and a massive fireworks show by Grucci at midnight every night for as long as the celebration lasts, each night introduced by one or another of the world’s leaders. We can’t predict that President Trump will attend and dance with Nancy Pelosi as he did last year on January 3, but the Kardashians will be here as will JLo and Madonna, Beyoncé and Jay-Z, Jerry Seinfeld and the winners of the Rio de Janeiro Pole Dance competition.

The party usually lasts 72 hours, day and night, without interruption and then nine months later there is always that bump in the birth statistics nationwide. All are welcome, including those jailed who get released from select prisons for the occasion—we hope there’s more this year than last—chaperoned by guards of course to prevent trouble. And don’t forget, no matter whether the party continues or not, the ceremonial sacrifice of a goat accompanied by the sounding of a ram’s horn, will take place as usual at noon on January 3 on the Water Mill platform.

In any case, we expect that no matter what, trash will be cleaned up, sleeping attendees will be carted away and whatever part of the subway system that’s been broken—turnstiles, news stands, signage, escalators and whatever—will all be completely repaired and back in service by January 6 at 7 a.m. at the very latest.

NEW MARKETING DIRECTOR FIRED
Henrietta Peterson, the Hamptons Subway marketing director for the last week has been summarily fired for producing a five-minute recording that she instructed be played when any subway leaves any station. It consisted of a full reading of all the things you are not permitted to do on the subway system, the full eleven page manual, which mentions firearms, harassment, taking up two seats, sleeping, spitting, cursing, panhandling, doing gymnastics, groping, shouting, fist fighting, stealing, passing gas, drinking alcohol from a bottle whether inside a paper bag or not, wearing a disguise, stabbing people getting on and off the subway with an umbrella during rainstorms and jumping down onto the tracks for whatever reason—suicide, stress or to pick up a dropped cellphone or jumping down onto the tracks to help others who have jumped on the tracks back on the platform.

Many people complained on the very first day that this announcement over and over gave them headaches, and quite a few said they missed their stop because they wanted to hear the whole thing to its end. We apologize for this stupid decision. Pamphlets on what to do or not do are always available at the information booths at all platforms.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Hope you had a good year. I did.

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