In other news, infamous Shelter Island troublemaker Old Man McGumbus returned on Tuesday from what was surely a debauched journey at sea with Florida Man aboard a yacht owned by legendary wrestler Lieutenant Bloodlust, aka Francis Balanger.
Unfortunately for the 103-year-old former WWII weaponized tank tread technician, after nearly six months rampaging across the world’s oceans, McGumbus found his underground bunker, which had been his home since at least 2015, washed out to sea.
“Perhaps Mr. McGumbus will be a little less vocal about climate change being a hoax,” Hamptons Police Chief Science Officer Ray Gruberbloch. “To be honest, we’re all a bit worried now that he’s lost his little redoubt and will likely be spending more time above ground—which is not where anyone wants him.”
Little is known about what McGumbus, Florida Man and Lt. Bloodlust did during their six-month adventure on the high seas, explains Hamptons Police PR Director Rex Gallant, adding, “but you can be sure they weren’t doing anything good.”
Locals around Shelter Island have reported sightings of McGumbus around town since his return, but it appears he’s now homeless. It’s unclear whether or not he will attempt to build a new bunker.