Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Address Region’s Number Two Problem

Underwater shelf of ignored dog poop dredged up during environmental project.

Top brass at the Hamptons Police Department came under fire this week for their apparent failure to enforce dog cleanup laws on local beaches. The revelation came when Hamptons Municipal Board-hired contractors, Brown & Greene Technologies (BGT), attempted to dredge up sand to shore up dunes on Monday but quickly learned that dog excrement made up close to 50% of excavated material.

“It appears that massive amounts of feces left on our beaches has slowly migrated into the sea, creating a significant underwater substrate no one thought possible,” BGT President Ernst Stuhl explained at a press conference Wednesday. “It turns out that wasn’t a sandbar everyone’s been standing on, but I’ll spare you the gory details.”

Soon after Stuhl delivered his firm’s report, various area officials began passing blame around like a hot potato. Unfortunately, a lack of oversight and failure to hand out even a single ticket to those not picking up after their dogs left Hamptons Police holding the proverbial bag.

“Well, it might not look so good for our department, but citizens need to understand how difficult it is for us to stop determined dog owners from ignoring the law,” HPD spokesman Rex Gallant said late this week. “These people just let their dogs off-leash and they disappear from view. How are we supposed to follow every poodle, Labrador or dachshund to see if and where they go?”

“It seems Mr. Gallant forgot that allowing dogs off-leash is also illegal in the Hamptons,” said Citizens Reporting Animal Poo founder Jerry McVain, who claims to regularly film and report offenders at the beach in front of his home in Sagaponack. “The sad fact is, we have no police presence, especially in the offseason, and beachfront property owners, as well as beachgoers, have to suffer for it.”

Stuhl says all may not be lost, however. He explains that BGT is currently working on a new technology to sterilize the feces and return it to the dunes and sea, “where it will actually make an even more effective, long-lasting and somewhat squishy stratum that also happens to be really easy on the feet.”

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