Hamptons Subway TV Plan Is a Failure

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Donna Karan, after dining at Southampton’s Tutto il Giorno, was seen heading westbound toward Westhampton last Wednesday evening. Howard Stern and his wife Beth Stern were seen carrying New Year’s Eve presents westbound from Water Mill to Quogue, they said.

NOT QUITE

Hamptons Subway was most disappointed this week when it seemed that we were on the verge of setting two new world records – the number of riders in the upcoming week who use the service weekly, and the number of rider miles gone by all the riders weekly. No week has ever had a total of 2,000 riders and 20,000 rider miles before.

When it was apparent that we were on the verge of this, Security Chief Max Bellows was sent down to our busiest station, Southampton, to see if he couldn’t persuade someone who did not intend to use the subway on that last day to do so. But when he pushed someone on, the fellow jumped right back off.

Bellows also ordered subway doors not opened at that station for a half hour so people would have to stay on until Hampton Bays. But when other people heard about this they got off a station early. So it was not to be.

TOKEN BOOTH SACKED

Last Wednesday morning at 8:15 a.m., during the rush hour, the computer that allows our token booth operator at Amagansett to sell new subway cards broke down, so certain riders heading to work were not able to do so.

The token booth was pushed over on its side with Maybelle Edison, the operator in it. She was slightly injured but was told to take the day off even after protesting that she need not do so but then did so.

Good Samaritan Straphangers righted the toll booth and token booth operator manager Henry Attenborough took her place.

NEW SLINGSHOT SUBWAY CAR MAKES DEBUT ON HAMPTON SUBWAY

A fledgling subway car manufacturing company brought one of their newest creations to the Hamptons Subway last Wednesday. It’s the “Slingshot Car” and although this is just a test model, it was thought by the owners of the company that having it attached to the end of a famous Hamptons Subway train for a day would bring out curious rich people who might like to invest in Slingshot Subway Mfg Co.

Slingshot Subway model 1.0 has all the seats sitting on springloaded rails inside the car. When the subway train lurches forward out of the station, the seats slide back on the rails for a bit, then, playing catch up, slide back to the starting position as the train reaches cruising speed. Then, as the train slows to a station, the seats move forward at first, then slide back to the starting position as the train comes to a halt.

“The result is a sort of zero gravity effect,” said Charles Wallbanger, the CEO of the new company. “It’s like riding on air.”

Most people who rode in the car later said they felt sick with all the sliding. Wallbanger said that was natural the first time or two, but people get used to it.

TVs ON THE SUBWAY

The attempt to provide electronic entertainment instead of the live music from the troubadours who until now wandered the subway cars has ended in failure.

Frank Whipple, the Hampton Subway’s new marketing director had ordered this last Friday. The electronic entertainment consisted of old non-flat screen TVs which he got cheap and had mounted on brackets high up on each subway car tuned to Fox News which he also apparently got free.

Unfortunately, few people watched the TVs, because the noise from the subway was so loud you couldn’t hear what the anchors and sportscasters were saying. The next day, Whipple had all the channels changed to ESPN which resulted in a chaos of riders missing their stops hoping to see the ends of the football games and then scrambling off to and cross the platforms and go the other way.

All the TVs were therefore taken down and put in our Montauk warehouse for future sale.

A CORRECTION

A letter writer (see letter to the editor earlier in this column) has pointed out that the number of riders and rider miles reported upon at the top of this newsletter seem to refer to the upcoming week rather than the week that has passed.

This is the first time in the three years we have been publishing this newsletter that anyone has pointed this out to us, so obviously they misunderstand the words we used up at the top. So it’s been perhaps two million readers ok and this one not. Nevertheless we are reviewing this wording. Whatever.

To make this clearer, we from now on will indicate this as “Riders this past week” instead of “Riders this week” and the same thing with the rider miles.

The editor of the newsletter, Mabel Applesauce, says she is sorry and intends to step down after this issue.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I am still over here in the south of France, in deep discussions with the Mayors of Cote d’Azure, Nice, Cannes and St. Tropez about the benefits of having a subway system along this coast here.

We met in the Hotel Metropole about this last night. Topless bathers would not be welcome on such a subway of course. I would also like to recommend a small but wonderful family restaurant we ate at last night called La Faigoule. Forget all those Michelin restaurants with those big stars, this is the place to be.