Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Kickstarting Egg Salad, Earworms, Protest

Eisalat Kickstarts Egg Salad
Despite his efforts to create “the perfect egg salad” by crowdsourcing recipes and tips (with a $5,000 reward), Hamptons reality star Sergio Eisalat says he has yet to replicate his most-excellent, and unfortunately stolen, egg salad recipe. Hoping to remedy the situation this week, the ovum aficionado has now launched a Kickstarter campaign with a goal of building “the world’s greatest egg salad.” The campaign has raised some $250 in pledges, as of Saturday, and Eisalat is hopeful that number will continue to rise. “A guy can hope,” he said, flashing that famous television smile. Police said they are pleased things have calmed on the Hamptons egg salad front, but they remain skeptical that a lunch salad of this kind could generate any real money on Kickstarter.

Emergency Earworm Treatment
Emergency officials responded to a call on Friday from a woman who was experiencing great distress over her inability to get the song “Happy” out of her head. This is the third time in as many weeks that emergency personnel have been called in to deal with dangerous “earworm” situations involving the massive pop hit by Pharell Williams. First responders treated the woman at the scene using the standard method: they got her to focus on “Little Red Riding Hood,” the Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs hit. This seemed to help the woman, according to observers, who reported that the woman was quietly humming “Little Red Riding Hood” as she was wheeled into an ambulance. Dr. Ernst Einprag warned the medical community must be prepared for more incidents like this to occur “for the foreseeable future, especially since ‘Happy’ is showing no signs of exiting the charts any time soon.” He recommended that all adults carry the lyrics to “Little Red Riding Hood” on their persons.

Protest Confusion
A group of citizens called police on Saturday from the site of a protest in East Hampton because they couldn’t remember what they were protesting. A transcript of the call reads in part: “We got down here, and we have some blank signs, and we’re pretty steamed up, but we can’t remember what it’s about.” After making some suggestions, but yielding no results, the police advised the callers to pack up and go to the beach.

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