The Chief Financial Officer of Hamptons Community College, along with various members of the school’s faculty and staff called police on Tuesday to report that some 350 registered students and outsiders had “stolen classes.” According to one bereft literature professor, Edward West, the felonious learners, who identified themselves by wearing their pockets inside out, had entered his classroom, taken their seats and sat there expectantly with notebooks open and pencils ready. “It was terrible, I was stuck in there with them forcing me to teach, and I knew full well that no one had any intention of paying for the privilege,” the professor told police, noting that the interlopers threatened to remain at the college until they were furnished with free associates’ degrees. Police rounded up offenders as they continuously chanted, “It’s the right thing to do” and resisted arrest. Hamptons Community College President David Shawn said he liked the idea of handing out free education, but he said his board would never, ever, pass such a measure.
Police arrested three men on charges of carrying a concealed weapon on Friday after each was found to have on his person unlawful and deadly canned goods. “This may sound odd, at first,” officer W.H. Burns said, “but it has recently become much more common to use soup, soda and canned veggies in violent altercations.” He added, “It’s been suggested that a full can of corn can take down a predator armed with an assault rifle, like an AR-15 or AK-47, so imagine the harm it could do to an ordinary citizen.” Following his arrest and a thorough search, one of the three men was later released and his charges dropped when police determined that his can of Copenhagen chewing tobacco could not be considered dangerous in any sane line of inquiry. The other arrested men, who possessed a can of pureed pumpkin and an unopened Diet Coke were, of course, prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
A Shelter Island woman reported finding a mysterious jar of cured meat, labeled “Seagull Jerky” is a barely legible scrawl, near her doorstep on Thursday. In a possibly related story, neighbors of the woman reported seeing a gaunt elderly man burning “some kind of dead birds” with a World War II era flamethrower. Police said they have a suspect and will likely make an arrest, in accordance with an antiquated Shelter Island law requiring a permit for all mass animal incineration.