My declaration last July as a candidate for President of the United States (in 2020) is well known to one and all. There is the video (you can see it here). There’s been an endorsement from my friend Donald Trump.
“Rattiner has done a terrific job with Dan’s Papers, and his book, In the Hamptons, is as colorful and engrossing as you would expect. He describes the coming of age of the Hamptons with insight and affection.”
And Wikipedia quotes my campaign rallying cry: “I run on a platform of peace, prosperity, harmony, the sanctity of individual freedom, the respect for law and order.”
Last week I introduced my platform regarding the Mexican Border, Taxes, Washington, Global Warming, Wall Street, Political Correctness, Illegal Campaigning, Russia and Torture. (see the link below)
Here are further platform positions.
I will make peace with North Korea. They have shown the world the proper way to run a country. I would have them annex South Korea and take it over, with the exception of Samsung, Kia and Hyundai, which I will have taken over by American manufacturers.
I will agree to sit down and deal with any country that doesn’t have a name that might confuse you or be unpronounceable. Kurds. Kuala Lampur. All the “stans.” Borneo. Myanmar. Georgia. And there’s many, many more where that came from. They must change those names.
If Barack Obama has not been punished for what he did by the time I am elected in 2020, I will have that taken care of.
China has brought sand and dirt up to a place in the South China Sea where there is a reef, piled it up, named it “The Spratley Islands” and put runways and an anti-missile system on it. This is an illegal island. It must be removed. And this is a job for the Marines. Send them in with shovels, pails, air cover and night goggles and have them shovel all that dirt back into the ocean so it returns to being a reef.
CLEANING THE OCEAN
All the junk in the ocean is to be rounded up, nudged over to the American coastline, washed and lined up on the beach. There is to be a yard sale. Good for the economy.
I will offer amnesty, working papers and ultimately American citizenship to all people who came here illegally, are willing to make English their primary language, pay a fine, can answer questions about the Constitution, can pay income taxes, have never been in trouble, have been here ten years or more and can prove it, and are of the Caucasian race.
I will pass a law requiring that all Supreme Court nominees be right-wing conservatives who support the Tea Party and who do not consort with African-Americans, Italians, Hispanics or Jews. They don’t have to be lawyers. We’ve had too many lawyers on the Supreme Court. Also too many educated people, particularly those from Yale or Harvard.
Citizens of this country bear arms because it is in the Constitution and because the people should have the right to rise up and beat back attempts to take America over by force. But why has this not happened in the case of Random Shooters? A Random Shooter shows up and begins popping away. Among the targets who have dropped to the floor and skittered out of sight are people who are carrying guns. And yet they do nothing. They just sit there, shivering with everybody else. This is the worst. In my time in office, I will pass laws that will require everyone who packs some heat to take courses in combat. We can give them a local police officer’s badge to wear when they complete the course. They will report to the police. That’s who you call anyway if you can get to your cellphone and dial 911 on those tiny screens with your shivering little fingers. And they will, on the spot, bring the perp or twerp down.
I will order all surveillance cameras removed from all public places in America. Please.
I will allow Muslims into the country who are willing to declare themselves “not radical” Muslims and swear to successfully resist “radicalization.” Those are the kinds of Muslims who can lead us to other Muslims.
It is as clear as night turns into day who all the random shooters are. They are all Caucasian males with short hair who have last names with five letters or less. Beck. Wise. Oswald. They are also dour, sweaty, smelly, quiet and gentle. That’s them. Also, they have never broken the law before.
These people come from the same American stock that created all the combustion engines, cars, planes and trains. They are the younger brothers of them, and they are depressed and angry. They are to be rounded up, volunteered into a special unit of Marines and sent to a small foreign country where they can randomly shoot people who deserve to be shot for not being American citizens. Military psychiatrists can determine if they have gotten enough stress out to be allowed back into America.
I will apologize to all world leaders that might have been offended (if Donald Trump is my predecessor) by curling up onto the lap of the statue of Abraham Lincoln in the Lincoln memorial and inviting world leaders to come, single file, stand below me and watch and hear me issue my apology to them personally.
Any problem Canada has, they should come to me directly.
America should have, in New York, the tallest building in the world. The Burj Khalifa in Dubai must be lifted up, put on wheels and walked to lower Manhattan to stand next to 1 World Trade Center.
Apple and the other smartphone makers will be allowed to keep their customers’ data private except where the owner of the phone is a radical Muslim or a sweaty Caucasian white male with short hair who has a last name with five letters or less.
Yes, I will NOT build a wall between the U.S. and Mexico. The border is 1,000 miles long. Instead of a wall, I will have an army of border agents, in uniform, with rifles, every 50 yards along the border. There will be two agents paired together. They can watch each other’s backs. For a wall of agents 1,000 miles long, we will need 3,200,000 agents—I did the math, or I had somebody do the math—and this will be a big boost to the economy, in employment, uniforms, boots, guns and training centers.
As I think it will be hard to find loyal white Americans who know enough Spanish to do this job, I will employ the illegal immigrants already here to do it. (Employ as “employ”—see last week’s platform positions on DansPapers.com.) I will arm each agent with 100 Ziploc bags a day. As illegals try to get across, I will have each one arrested and searched (including cavity search), and, where heroin is found, I will confiscate it, put it into Ziploc bags, turn it over to the U.S. Air Force and have it dropped over the Presidential Palace in Mexico City.
Share other platform positions for me to consider in the comments or in an email: firstname.lastname@example.org.