Police Blotter

Piney Pete Sightings Questioned in the Hamptons

Police are calling into question the reports of several area people who are claiming to have seen Piney Pete roaming the edges of the Pine Barrens in recent days.

“While we are taking the reports seriously,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch said, “we believe that these sightings have probably been optical illusions or hallucinations.”

Hirsch explained that police believe the increased number of Piney Pete sightings is a result of the increased attention being paid to Piney Pete in the press. “In the aftermath of recent disappearances taking place in the Pine Barrens, the newspapers have been full of speculation about Piney Pete,” said Hirsch. “Naturally this creates a hysteria, and people are apt to see Piney Pete peeking around every corner.”

Hirsch said that police feel that the recent sightings are a symptom of this widespread nervousness.

“Look, one of the sightings had Piney Pete wearing a Justin Bieber T-shirt,” Hirsch said. “Now, Piney Pete is at least 15 feet tall—where would he get a Justin Bieber T-shirt that big? He wouldn’t even know who Justin Bieber is, probably.” Hirsch urged anxious citizens to calm down. “I know we say ‘if you see something, say something.’ But if you see a 15-foot-tall guy wearing a Justin Bieber shirt, keep it to yourself.”

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