Week of November 28–December 4, 2019
Riders this past week: 31,141
Rider miles this past week: 89,832
DOWN IN THE TUBE
Sarah Jessica Parker was seen riding the Hamptons Subway from Sag Harbor to East Hampton wearing a bright blue Carried Away backpack on Saturday morning. Jon Bon Jovi showed the required pass to leave an eastbound subway at the Georgica Station, and the concierge there welcomed him to the platform. Jennifer Lopez was seen wrestling a 10-foot-long stainless steel pole through the turnstiles at the Water Mill station westbound platform.
QUID PRO QUO
High drama at the Hamptons Subway building headquarters on Ponquogue Lane in Hampton Bays last Wednesday. A man chewing on a toothpick and wearing a shoulder holster under his sport jacket ambled into Commissioner Aspinall’s office unannounced and, speaking out of the side of his mouth, said “Nice building you got here. Wouldn’t want to see it get burned down.” Alarmed, the Commissioner leaned down, opened the bottom drawer of his desk, and as the intruder put his right hand inside his sport jacket toward the shoulder holster, reached in and came out with a stack of the money from that drawer. “How much you want?” he asked the man.
“Twenty-five thousand,” the man said. Aspinall peeled off 25 big ones and handed them over. The man smiled, walked toward the door, turned and said, “every month,” and left.
Whoever this was did not realize the Commissioner is very close friends with President Trump and so didn’t know that just minutes after he left, the Commissioner called the President and told him what happened. Two days later, the Commissioner, watching the evening news on TV at his Southampton oceanfront home, saw the very man who had been in his office two days before now handcuffed and being escorted into a police station by Rudy Giuliani, police officers and lawyers. Reporters were shouting at the man, and he turned briefly and told them, “I did nothing wrong. It was just a friendly visit to the Commissioner. There was no quid pro quo. I said something and he did the right thing, so what’s the deal?” he asked.
Well, he won’t be bothering the Commissioner any time soon. The Commissioner hasn’t gotten his money back, though. Apparently, Rudy Giuliani now has it. “But I’m sure he’ll deliver it back soon,” the Commissioner said.
On Saturday morning, Paul McCartney spread a blanket onto the floor of the Amagansett platform, set out a cup and sat down to strum his guitar and play some tunes. He’d surprised the audience at the Stephen Talkhouse the night before with an unexpected visit, so now he was serenading those going to work. An employee of Hamptons Subway told the Commissioner by phone that the crowd was partially obstructing those who just wanted to get to work, and furthermore McCartney had no official music permit to play on the platform. The Commissioner said let Paul do whatever he wants.
PIPER HEIDSIEK MISSING
Security people at the Georgica Station where waiters serve canapes and champagne to those special people getting off there (you must have a membership pass to be allowed off the train at Georgica) have informed police that two cases of Piper Heidsiek Brut 97 usually kept under the buffet table have been found missing. The police are investigating.
COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Hamptons Subway is now looking to hire 26 men to sit on thrones at each of our subway platforms in Santa suits and give away candy all day to kids who come by. Weight is not an issue. For those not pounds challenged, Hamptons Subway provides pillows. Also the thrones. And the Santa suits.