Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Ferrets Multiply: Baby Officers Abound

Will they be good cops? The program's longevity depends on how they fare.

The Hamptons Police Department’s new Ferret Animal Response Team unexpectedly went from 14 members to 49 this week. It seems four of the recently added ferrets were pregnant and have since given birth to litters of 6–8 babies.

“The HPD recreational building in Montauk is pretty much on its way to being overrun by ferrets,” Hamptons Police Department spokesman Rex Gallant explained in a press release this week. “It looks like our animal handlers and purchasing department failed to check the gender and status of the new ferret officers—so not only do we have 35 new baby officers, we’ve been told a great deal of mating has been going on in the plush confines of our Montauk facility,” Gallant added. “We may have inadvertently set a real situation in motion. These ferrets already outnumber our human officers two to one.”

Hamptons Police staff has been reduced in recent months, and the spokesman said they are currently exploring various ways to deal with the quickly multiplying numbers. “This could be seen as a blessing or a curse, depending on how well our trained ferrets perform in the field,” Gallant said, adding, “Obviously we are keeping the ferrets separate as much as possible right now, but our trained ferret officers have been known to sneak off and mate quickly during operations, and they are mostly ignoring orders to stop.”

Insiders report that the Department’s once sleek and beautiful Montauk R&R center, which was only completed last year, is now a mess of cedar chips, cat litter, hair and ferret dung. If, however, the Ferret Animal Response Team pilot program turns out to be a success, they now know it will be completely self-sustaining.

“So far, when they’re not attempting to mate, the ferrets are managing to hand out parking tickets and find lost citizens, as per their original charter, but we remain unsure if they will be able to handle hostage negotiation, DWI checks and tracking down escaped prisoners and criminals with warrants, as our plan dictates,” Gallant said. “It’s just too soon to say how this will all work out.”

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