Police Blotter

Hamptons PD Chief Says He Deployed Submarine Early Due to Warmth Not Daughter’s Party

Joe Ronsen changed his defense under criticism for costly nuclear submarine launch.

Hamptons Police Department chief Joe Ronson may elude prosecution or even a departmental reprimand despite launching the HPD’s nuclear submarine months early to use it for his daughter Brooklyn Jayne Ronson’s sweet 16. Chief Ronson’s lawyers have changed their defense and now say their client moved up the sub’s launch because of the unseasonably warm weather.

“Yes, Mr. Ronson did host a party on the vessel, which he now regrets, but he had planned all along for the early launch, so he’s not responsible for those associated costs,” attorney Lefty Johimbo explained in court Wednesday. “If anything, he should cover the fuel used during Brooklyn Jayne’s party, but we could also say that event served as an initial test run to ensure the submarine was in working order.”

Chief Ronson’s opponents admit that the weather is indeed warmer than usual, but they are quick to point out that this is all a bit convenient, and it’s definitely a face-saving excuse.

“Mr. Ronson had no clue what the weather would be like this month. He did this for the selfish thrill of expanding his daughter’s reputation among her friends and on social media,” Hamptons ADA Derek Watson argued. “He has joined Brooklyn Jayne in her obsession to become the East End’s top influencer—and it’s safe to say her party helped nudge her in the ‘right’ direction.”

Hamptons Municipal Court judges have agreed to hear the case and Ronson’s new defense. They have also ordered that the chief, who has been suspended with pay since February 24, must return to work.

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